


Would Anyone Care

by Pennstram



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Caring Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25930702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennstram/pseuds/Pennstram
Summary: Reaching out a trembling hand Arthur took the small piece of parchment offered, Merlin’s unmistakable scrawl marring the surface. His heart stopped. He reread the words, over and over and over.“What… What is this?”His stomach felt as if he’d been run through with a sword.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 248





	Would Anyone Care

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this super fast while listening to Would Anyone Care by Citizen Soldier  
> Not super happy with it but I'm not invested enough to fix it up at the present, I just need to get the idea out.  
> Maybe one day (after Paper Dragon's is further along) I'll go back in. 
> 
> For now, happy reading.

Moon glow washed over pale cobblestones below, bathing the courtyard in brilliant white light. Snow drifts piled along the walls and covered the well. Cold air bit at the exposed skin of his hands, neck and face as it whipped through the frozen stone. A small dragon flickered above one hand cradled in his lap. Tear tracks froze and his ears went numb so long ago. 

He wanted to run. He wouldn’t turn his back on his King now. He wanted to accept the punishment for his lies. He was terrified to die. He wanted to slip off the tower side. He couldn’t do that to them. He needed it to stop. He needed to hear it was okay. He knew it wasn’t. 

The dragon’s cold light blipped out.

_Would anyone notice?_

“Sire!” The frantic knocking made Arthur jump and he quickly shoved the chair back. He was at the door in three strides and the knocking only grew more restless. “Sire, please this is of great import.” 

“Gaius?” Arthur frowned as the old physician stumbled into the room. He looked panicked and frightened and Arthur grabbed his shoulders to steady the man. “Gaius, whatever is the matter?” He was aware his voice was probably too loud, too harsh, but he didn’t care. Something wasn’t right. 

“Have you seen Merlin?” The panicked tone oozed through the words and Arthur froze. He hadn’t seen Merlin since the day before. He hadn’t been too pleased with his manservant truth be told. Slowly he shook his head and watched as Gaius’s expression crumpled, anguish saturated the air. “No one has, my Lord. He didn’t come home last night, I hadn’t seen him since yesterday morning. Nobody has today. I fear for his safety.” 

Reaching out a trembling hand Arthur took the small piece of parchment offered, Merlin’s unmistakable scrawl marring the surface. His heart stopped. He reread the words, over and over and over. “What… What is this?” His stomach felt as if he’d been run through with a sword.

“I found this on his bed when I went to see if he’d returned to his room.” 

“This. This is a goodbye.” The paper wavered and Arthur dropped it to the table as if it burned. In a way it did. The sword was twisted and Arthur wanted to cry at the strange pain. Gaius looked almost about to break as he nodded.

“Arthur, please we must find him. I can’t lose him.” The King felt sick seeing the usually strong man crumble before him. “He is my ward. He is my son. Please, I beg you help me.” The thought of turning his back on either of them appalled him. 

Steering Gaius to sit at the table, Arthur nodded and then sat across from him. “Where have you searched already?” The east wing, the west wing, the lower town, the stables, the southern gardens. The longer the list grew the tighter the flesh coiled around the phantom steel. “He couldn’t have just slipped away!” His frustration and fear was coloring his words. He could see it in the way Gaius averted his gaze. “Where would he even go? The Darkling woods? An outlying village? Ealdor?”

Arthur was on his feet pacing almost instantly, his thoughts running wild. “It’s dead winter. He’ll freeze to death.” Arthur froze midstep, eyes as wide as they’d go and mouth parting slowly. Ripping the note off the table Arthur stared at it. Without looking at the Physician he whispered, “He’s trying to freeze to death.” The north tower. He had to be there. Gaius wouldn’t know to check there. He hadn’t been there. 

Spinning on his heel Arthur tore out of his chambers as he yelled out, “I know where he is!” The note fell to the floor in a crumpled ball.

Please be there.

The second he opened the heavy wooden door a strong gust of frozen wind hit him. Arthur shuddered and pulled his wool cloak closer around his body. Hugging the wall in order to avoid the cold drafts he inched along the Northmost battlement tower. It was Merlin’s favorite because it overlooked the square, because it was tall enough to see many leagues away. It was where his magic was confirmed. “Merlin!” The name was whisked away in the wind. 

There was a dark figure sitting between broken pillars, legs dangling over the edge. Arthur’s breath was once again stolen by the wind. His heart felt like it was stuck in his throat and his mouth went dry. The figure remained still where it slumped precariously forward. He was… he couldn’t be dead. “If you’re just going to stare at me could you leave?”

The desolate voice startled Arthur and he noticed Merlin was turned just so to look at him. “I don’t understand.” Arthur said before he could stop himself as he shuffled over to stand behind Merlin’s left shoulder. The warlock tensed before jerking his shoulder up in an imitation shrug. 

“What’s not adding up to you? The note? The intent? The ideal you have of me?” Merlin muttered bitterly as Arthur finally sat beside him. 

Arthur frowned. “That’s not what I don’t understand. I don’t understand why? Why this? Why now? I thought we were good again. I thought—“ 

“You thought I was a traitor. Called me vile.” His mouth soured at the words.

“I admitted I was wrong! Merlin I told you I didn’t care that you have magic.” Arthur cried out in frustration. Merlin seemed to draw into himself even more. His eyes hidden in shadow as he shifted his gaze to the town below again. 

Bright lips hardly moved when Merlin spoke again. “It’s not about you accepting my magic. It was never about my magic.” His voice dropped off at the end and his hands balled in his lap. “It hurt, Arthur… it— I hurt so bad. My heart broke. It reminded me of who I am, what I am. What I am not.” Merlin’s voice broke on the ‘not’.

“What aren’t you then?” 

“I am not worthy of love.”

The statement landed heavy like stone in the pit of his stomach. A knife twisted into his chest. “What? Merlin, no. Of course you are… what makes you say that?” 

“I’m not. You said it yourself, I’m a vile creature. I’m an abomination. You may accept sorcery but you don’t accept me for what I am. It’s not about magic.” Merlin’s voice rose slightly over the now howling wind. “You may think it is but Gods you’re an idiot sometimes. You never really realized, did you, all the things I’ve done for you. Not for destiny. Not for Camelot, or fate. You.” 

The tinge of hysteria shocked Arthur and he reached out a tentative hand but Merlin jerked back before he made contact. That didn’t make sense. “I don’t… What do you mean?” No. He knew, he understood what Merlin truly was. He accepted him. He loved him. Did he not know? How could he not know? “Of course I’ve realized. Merlin, I’ve told you before--”

“You haven’t though!” The cry cut through Arthur. He… He was sure he had. Hadn’t he? Told him in every longing look. Told him in every ‘Thank you’. Told him in every soft brush of their hands. His head spun and his vision narrowed in on the tears streaming down Merlin’s frozen cheeks. He hadn’t. He’d never actually said the words out loud. Never really gave Merlin a reason to know of them. “It’s easier this way.”

Merlin’s lip was trembling and he refused to look back over at his king. They sat in silence as the wind died down to a light breeze and the snow started falling again. “You know what I think you are?” Arthur asked finally, shifting just so to brush against Merlin’s side. The warlock didn’t move away, but seemed to deflate into his side. A noncommittal noise reached Arthur’s ears as he picked up one frozen hand.

Slipping their fingers together and turning to press Merlin’s hand into the cloak pooling around his arms Arthur whispered, “Powerful. Amazing. Brilliant. Witty. Beautiful.” He broke off to pull Merlin closer, he folded himself into Arthur’s side, face buried in his neck. From his new position Arthur could feel the sobs rippling through the other man. Clenching his eyes shut, Arthur leaned over and pressed his lips to the crown of his head. “You are something fantastic to behold. You are worthy of so much and more. So I ask again, why this? Why now?”

“You got hurt because I couldn’t control my magic.”

“I get hurt. That’s in my job description, Merlin. Your magic was defending you. It was instinct, I’ve told you it was fine.” A pitiful whimper met his words and Arthur knew Merlin wanted to argue about it. He continued quickly to keep Merlin from voicing any actual words, “You are not a burden. You are not worthless. You are not vile.” It was getting harder to talk, his throat kept closing up and his vision was starting to blurr and sting. The hand not being held by the blond’s came up to twist into Arthur’s shirt. 

He was content to stay like that, with Merlin curled up around him. Here. Alive. Safe. Yet there was still the desparte clawing in his mind. “I’d chase you to the heavens and back to keep you here with me.” His grip tightened as Merlin stiffened in his arms. “That note… I don’t… Merlin is that how you really feel?”

Merlin tried to pull away but Arthur held fast. “Sometimes.” He agreed softly, eyes distant and vacant. “Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m good enough to be here. Beside you, protecting you. Sometimes it just… sometimes it feels like it’s crushing me.”

“Let me help you.” Arthur breathed into the soft curls. “Let me give you a reason to keep fighting.” Finally Merlin was allowed to pull away, his brows furrowed, eyes bloodshot and face blotchy. Arthur had never seen someone so beautiful. Releasing Merlin’s hand, Arthur brought both of his up to cup cold cheeks. 

“I love you, Merlin. I love you and I’m sorry I’ve never actually said the words before now.” He pressed his lips to Merlin’s forehead. _Would anyone even care?_ I would. I would I would I would. “Let's get you back inside and warmed up. Then we can talk more.” A slight nod then Arthur was pulling them both up. Turning back to the door he expected Merlin to follow but a hand darting out to grab his arm stopped him short. 

He let Merlin turn him around slightly and then his arms were wrapped around Arthur’s middle and his face pressed against his neck. “I’m sorry.” It was barely a breath of air but Arthur pressed closer, murmuring ‘it’s alright’. 

Snow was collecting in their hair and on their clothes and Merlin’s eyes reflected the moonlight and Arthur couldn’t stop himself. He could have lost this. He could have prevented it. He pressed their lips together and let Merlin take all the comfort he needed. He could do this. He could help. He could be the reason for Merlin.

> I’m sorry. This is sudden, and abrupt and I’m sorry I didn’t do it in person.  
>  I just couldn’t though. You’ll understand that. I know you will, you were always so much smarter than me. You’ll find a better apprentice. Arthur will find a better servant. I’m not sure anyone will actually notice I’m gone. I’m not worth the fuss, certainly not worth chasing after. I can’t do it anymore. I’m tired. Arthur knows, but I’m still so very tired. 
> 
> I’m sorry, Gaius. 
> 
> Your loving son,  
>  Merlin


End file.
